Dear Cosmos Community,
Going out on a limb here with this personal essay. Controversial! Personal! Please be gentle, I’m processing!
For a brief two years, I talked about my mental health, rather publicly, and certainly here, to you. I embraced my diagnoses of anxiety and depression, I fancied myself a part of the movement to destigmatize mental health care. I wore makeup and spoke on panels, I changed my bio to include “Mental Health Advocate.”
I waded into the commodification of mental health willingly. I was convinced that I was part of the movement. As mental health became something we could scroll and swipe on, it normalized. Stigma was by no means gone, healthcare still a disaster, the root causes still pervasive. But the culture was changing, and I was buoyed by the changing.
But as the crusade to destigmatize mental health reached a crescendo, I stopped. I wrote my last public post about my mental health on December 10, to paid subscribers of this newsletter. I left Instagram shortly thereafter.
What changed? I was confused, even ashamed. I was a hypocrite. Here I’d been, pushing for more mental health stories, breaking stigma, righting wrongs, and then I just stopped.
I’ve been stopped for three months, and that’s enough time to see myself clearly in the mirror. I have anti-capitalist, anti-commodification ideals, but I am not an example in either. I have looked out in the world and seen scarcity and I have inserted myself so that I matter, and I have done that purely out of survival, not out of goodness. I did that with my own mental health. The validation of sharing, of being part of this great change, made me want to share more, at the price of never getting better.
It’s become disturbingly trendy to be unwell. Is it as validating, as rewarding in likes and clicks and shares, to be happy? To be joyful? To be free from suffering?
It worries me that sadness feels permanently relevant, that the media will cycle trauma and tragedy in the Asian community, but rarely, if at all, joy. It’s probably true that less people would click on a story about that, but it’s not media’s fault, really, it’s us, doing the clicking, and I can’t tell you why.
I don’t share my mental health story publicly anymore. I don’t want my emotions to trend, my trauma to be validated. I want to get better. For now, for me, that means silence.
Yours in processing,
Karen
What Paying Subscribers get this week!
5 for Friday — a weekly recommendation of music, films, shows, and artsy things related to identity and belonging! Recent posts highlighted Ali Wong merch and the best show on network television right now…
Every paid subscription funds The Cosmos Care Fund, a creative aid fund that distributes micro-grants to Asian women storytelling projects. Applications for our next round of funding open April 1!
Ky Ngo Dennis | Psychotherapist | Website
Do you crave a deeper connection to your culture? Are there things you've always wanted to know about your family history but have had little support on where to begin? My program "A Guided Exploration of Our Culture, Family and Identity" is the place to start. Join me, a licensed psychotherapist, and a small group of AAPI-identifying women, in this 6-week journey. Registration closes March 25!
Schedule a free Group Program Interest Call with Ky to learn more!
Call for Mandarin Chinese, Korean, Tagalog, Vietnamese translators!
Are are comfortable reading and writing any of these languages:
Mandarin Chinese
Korean
Tagalog
Vietnamese
Do you have ten minutes this week to help materials for an upcoming community event series? If so, please reply to this newsletter or email karen@jointhecosmos.com!
GROUP HUG is a 12-week community care program by The Cosmos for Asian women, femmes & non-binary folks to grieve, heal, and build collective resilience. Through somatic + creative practices, community grief rituals, and storytelling sessions, you will learn self + community care skills, practice caring for your everyday mental health in these times of crisis, and form relationships that will hold you during and beyond the program. Sliding scale pricing starts at $200/month for 3 months. Registration closes this Friday March 18!!
Every week I’ll share 3 stories from the community that were submitted for The Cosmos Care Fund, our creative aid fund that distributes micro-grants for Asian women to tell their stories. In a time when the headlines are filled with stories of our un-safety, our hope is to create a place on The Internet where Asian women across the diaspora can feel safe, supported, and seen 🥰
Every paid subscription to this newsletter directly supports The Care Fund. Applications for our next round of funding open April 1 — help us raise $888 by then so we can support more stories like these!
Maya M.
“COMB” is a photo series that celebrates the nuanced cultural identities of South Asians and their relationships with hair. Women are often the carriers of South Asian traditions and culture and without access to platforms, cultural preservation becomes dependent on them. Lacking representation in mainstream conversations, our opinions and perspectives are rarely considered or are pigeonholed into stereotypes and harmful narratives. Due to limited resources, I too, have struggled to elevate my voice and work as a South Asian artist. COMB will enable the development of my portfolio and career as a photographer while also casting light on a part of South Asian identity that we rarely see discussed.
Julie H.
In college I began working on a collection of poetry in which I explore my racial and cultural identity alongside questions of family and belonging. As a transracial Korean American adoptee, I grew up in a white family in a predominately white community, and I didn't see any adoptee representation. I've since discovered and admired many adoptee writers, but every adoptee experience (like every human experience) is unique. I'd like to add my own voice to the growing canon of adoptee literature.
Julie L.
As a Korean-American femme raised in Alabama by working-class parents, I would love to do a series of zines about AAPI familial and femme love (with literature from fellow AAPI writers, I really would love to collaborate with them and let them shine) as a way to honor where and who I and many others come from (the American South, my Korean culture, my parents and many other individuals like them who chased after the American Dream and comfort). I would want these zines to be easy to reach to many individuals as possible by printing copies and distributing them to free libraries and archives, as well as being given for sale at a low-cost. The proceeds in this case would be going to org(s) that center on aiding working-class AAPI individuals who deserve our help in these desperate times.