Issue 90 | your inner ancestors
This week we welcome Karolyn Wong as Guest Editor! Karolyn is a 1.5-generation, queer, gender fluid Chinese American womxn of color born and raised in Oakland. You may also know her as a life coach, speaker, and facilitator at API Womxn Heal x Support x Thrive. Every time I read Karolyn’s story, I see a part of myself more clearly, and I’m so excited for you to get to know her today.
Dear Cosmos Community,
Content warning: The piece contains mentions of sexual assault and sexual harassment.
Two years ago, I sat on the oceanfront of where I was staying after a 10 day meditation retreat in Hong Kong, reconnecting to my mom’s and ancestors’ journeys. After a nearly ten year healing journey, I felt deep peace and calm permeate my very consciousness. In the aftermath of a great breakdown and breakthrough in my body, I began to reflect on what my body was revealing to me: What you try to run away from will always reveal itself to you. When you can befriend your shadows as deeply loved and seen parts of yourself, you can begin the journey toward greater awareness, intentionality, love, connection, and pure magic into your life.
If you told my 18 year old self that it was okay that she almost didn’t graduate high school and didn’t make it into college, that my ancestors were proud of her and loved her unconditionally, she wouldn’t believe you.
If you told my 25 year old self who was outed by her cousin and uncle for being a young woman in love in a queer body, and made to feel shamed, hidden, and invisiblized by her parents and family that this would lead to a deeper unconditional love, she wouldn’t believe you.
If you told my 28 year old self who was sexually assaulted and terrorized by a narcissistic abuser that this would wake her up to what really matters to her in life, giving her the courage to trek Mount Everest, and most importantly, alchemize this experience to believe in herself and her visions to be a powerful leader for herself and her community, she wouldn’t believe you.
If you told my 32 year old self who faced sexual harassment, discrimination, and narcissistic abuse by white men in power at her job that this would awaken her connection to her ancestors and her own power over who she is in this life as an emerging ancestor, she wouldn’t believe you.
For so long, I vacillated between an anxious, future-oriented existence, performing and chasing an unattainable perfectionism to feel worthy of love, and the other extreme of making a home within my fears and subconsciously allowing self-sabotage, powerlessness, and depression to rule my experiences. Beneath the folds of my thinly veiled yet carefully crafted veneers were all the missing pieces I never understood, the parts of my mom’s trauma that I had taken on as my own.
Have you ever felt like life was happening to you versus for you?
We hear that if we just do what we’re told — go to a good college, get a good job, marry a good partner, and make our parents happy — that we’ll be happy, but why do so many of us feel so joyless, anxious, and empty at the end of each day?
When I stopped trying to run away from my inherited trauma, I allowed my ancestors’ experiences to wash over me with deep love and compassion. I saw their truth and wisdom as complex, their beings as nuanced and multi-faceted, who just like me, are trying their best to live a fulfilling life each day and be the best versions of themselves.
My liberation came when I realized, that I may not have control over what happens in my life or the ways my body can be triggered from past traumas, but I absolutely have agency and power to choose to embody healing, to choose to embody growth, to choose to embody my own liberation.
I know this is possible for you, too. I would love to help you create a life you actively enjoy, to honor the yes’s and no’s in your body, and trust that you are being guided by your inner ancestors. I want you to feel confident expressing the truth of who you are, assert your true needs and desires, to say YES to what brings you joy and fulfillment, and to cultivate a loving relationship with yourself and let others in to love and support you.
This is why I would love to invite you to join Light Flow: A 10 Week Healing, Growth, and Liberation Program for Asian and Pacific Islander Womxn starting at the end of April! Registration closes next Friday 4/15. You can find out more about my story of healing and the program here: www.apiwomxnheal.com
P.S. Join me this Thursday 4/7 and next Monday 4/11 for a free special gathering for Asian women, where we’ll actively listen to our bodies to see what stories or experiences need honoring and letting go, so that we can invite new energy, experiences, and joy in our daily lives. I’ll dive deeper into my own process of healing, growth, and transformation, and share more about how you can actively embody a life you truly love and enjoy everyday!
Karolyn Wong (@apixwomxnhealxsupportxthrive)
Community Conversation on Safety & Self-Defense for Asian Women
THURSDAY April 7 | Virtual | Tickets are pay what you can!
Why might it feel hard to defend ourselves? What agency do we have over our own safety? We may carry pepper spray in our pockets, but protecting ourselves is a mindset that many of us are still cultivating. The Cosmos and On Her Own are partnering on a workshop where we can talk openly about the feelings that come up around defending and protecting ourselves. It’s hard and complicated stuff, and we’re creating this space so we have a chance to listen, to feel less alone, and to feel we can care for ourselves and our community.
Tickets are donation based — pay what you wish! Fifty percent of all proceeds will go directly to The Cosmos Care Fund, a creative aid fund for Asian women in America.
Creative CAAre: Sustaining Your Mental Health & Artistic Practice
THIS WEDNESDAY April 6 | 6-8 PM | FREE
Creative CAAre will feature a guided relaxation practice that will help you slow down to care for your mind, body, and spirit. In this virtual healing space, we will lay down, separately but together from the comforts of home, for a soothing journey that will support your mental health.
Through gentle breathwork, visualization, and meditation, we'll utilize rest as a portal to imagination and creativity as we explore what the concept of "home" means to us as Asian American artists, cultural workers, and immigrants of the diaspora. This trauma-informed practice is accessible to folks of all abilities and levels of experience. Come as you are. Bring your blankets, pillows, fuzzy socks, and pets too! Join us for our first ~free~ virtual session this Wednesday from 6-8 PM. All Asian folks are welcome, so help us spread the word!
Creative CAAre: Sustaining Your Mental Health & Artistic Practice is a series of free workshops centering Asian American creatives, artists, and cultural workers in Chinatown, Manhattan and Flushing, Queens. Our vision is to create a safe space to care for your creativity and your mental health, with the support of community care.This series is presented by the Asian American Art Alliance, facilitated by The Cosmos, and supported, in part, by public funds from the New York City Department of Cultural Affairs in partnership with the City Council. Special thanks to former Council Members Peter Koo and Margaret Chin, and current Council Members Sandra Ung and Christopher Marte. You can see the full calendar of events here.
watching
All the versions of Michelle Yeoh in Everything Everywhere All At Once. Doesn’t make sense? Watch and you will understand :)
Everything Everywhere All At Once
Without a doubt this is the best film I’ve seen all year, and the best Asian American film I’ve ever seen. You will laugh — a lot. You will cheer seeing Michelle Yeoh showcase her comedic skills, finally, after so many films where she’s the stoic badass (I love her as that too, but dear god give the woman the range she so clearly has). Michelle Yeoh plays a struggling Type A owner of a laundromat, burdened by small business taxes, just surviving day to day, at the expense of her relationships with her husband (played by the hilarious Ke Huy Quan) and daughter (played by Stephanie Hsu, who I am so glad is finally getting the attention she deserves). Yes, this is a sci-fi movie about how we might exist in multiple universes, but at its heart, Everything Everywhere All At Once is a story about an inter-generational Chinese family, and especially, the heartbreak between mother and daughter. It will surprise you, it will be unlike any other film you’ve seen, and it will stay with you.
Currently showing in limited theaters, coming everywhere April 8!
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Michelle Yeoh and Harry Shum, Jr., running towards a Care Package subscription! :)
This Friday you’ll get recs for: Asian American heists, the best place to eat near Yu and Me Books in Chinatown, and the Korean American artist that’s made me feel fine art can understand me.
Every paid subscription directly supports The Care Fund, a creative aid fund that distributes micro grants to Asian women storytellers. We’re just $300 away from raising $1000 (!!) to distribute next month for Asian Pacific Islander Heritage Month, and we need your help to get there!
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