Issue 91 | a special annoucement!
Dear Cosmos Community,
Today is my birthday, a day that I normally don’t like (attention focused on me makes me uncomfortable!), but I feel supported today by two very special guests: our Care Fund Director, Renee W., and our Guest Editor Phuong-Thao Nguyen. If you can, please support their initiatives for the community. If you aren’t in a position to do so, sharing and spreading the word makes a big impact! Thank you, as always, for reading!
With love —→ Karen
**NEW** The next 50 paid annual subscribers will get a special “care package” designed just for you!!
To tell you all about this, please welcome Cosmos Care Fund Director Renee W. She is the heart behind this special gift for new subscribers :)
Dear Care Package Subscribers,
I love all kinds of soup noodles: beef noodle soup, pho, ramen, udon….. The list goes on!
Growing up in a Cantonese household, my mom always cooked for me the staples: steamed fish with boiled lettuce & egg noodles. It was the perfect combo – healthy, easy and fast to cook with just a few simple ingredients. It was always just the right consistency of al dente. Because she knew I loved it, she cooked it for me all the time.
This was just one of the infinite ways she displayed her love for me as a mother. My mom was the closest person to me. Last year, I temporarily moved from SF to Hong Kong after I found out about her unexpected illness. No matter how hard I tried to hold on, I lost her 6 months later.
In my grief today, I find moments of peace when I see remnants of her love – like soupy Asian noodles. Eating the food reminds me of my heritage and how true she stayed to her roots even after immigrating to America 35+ years ago. It also reminds me of how I should embrace my identity as an Asian American woman, especially in these times.
I subscribed to The Cosmos to learn more about how to embrace my upbringing as a third-culture kid, along with so many other women out there. I became a paid subscriber to The Care Package and was so moved by the stories, events, ideas and creative inspos that arrived in my mailbox weekly. I also loved that my subscription supported The Care Fund, a creative aid fund that distributes micro-grants to Asian women storytelling projects.
I saw the potential in this letter, especially The Care Fund, and wanted to support it as much as I could. That’s why I started working on The Care Fund, and I’m so excited to grow our impact in helping Asian women creatives, storytellers, and entrepreneurs get their projects out into the world!!
Next month (APHAM!) we distribute our 2nd CARE FUND! Our dream is to raise $1000 to support Asian women creators. There are no strings attached for this funding, and we do not require any credentials or a portfolio — this is one of the only grants designed to make it easy to get funded, with a distinct focus on our community.
We’re just $300 away from our goal. With your help we can reach our goal by May 1!! You can subscribe today below, donate subscriptions, or gift a subscription. You can also make a one-time Venmo donation to @jointhecosmos.
To thank you for your support, we’re gifting the next 50 *NEW* annual subscribers a “Care Package” we designed from our hearts to yours:
a soup noodle keychain in honor of my mother’s love
2 holographic stickers (“FUND ASIAN WOMEN CREATORS” & “STORIES MATTER”), designed by Cosmos Creative Director Linh-Yen Hoang!
Please welcome Phuong-Thao Nguyen as our guest editor for this issue! She has been one of our longest Cosmos supporters, and her work makes me believe healing that centers our experience is possible. Thank you, Phuong-Thao :)
Guest Editor | Phuong-Thao Ngyuen
Growing up, I witnessed the women in my life – mother, aunts, and grandmother –people please to the point of depletion and resentment, becoming a shell of themselves.
Their sense of worthiness was coupled with how much they did for others. Self-worth = output.
As they abandoned themselves, they overrode their needs and boundaries They became a stranger to themselves. They sensed what people needed but were unable to sense what they needed.
This pattern was passed down from my grandmother, to my mother, to me. I ended up with the same survival coping strategy: to feel worthy based on my output. I tried to be the “good daughter” to receive praise; I was even shown off to other Vietnamese parents of how “good” of a daughter I was. But when I deviated from the “good daughter,” I would be criticized and compared to someone else’s model Vietnamese good daughter. In all my relationships I knew only to seek validation outside of myself, to feel worthy only when I gave, when I did not allow myself to receive anything in return.
In the summer of 2019, I arrived at a crossroads after years of depriving myself of what I needed: connection. I wanted connection with my then partner by experiencing life together outside of the home, by having shared experiences. I no longer wanted to eat dinner and watch Netflix at home, or settle for going out to the movies or restaurant once every few months.
When I brought up that I needed this connection, my former partner responded, “Why can’t you just be happy with doing things together at home?” or “ You are asking for too much.” Like a turtle, I would go back into my shell and hide my needs. I felt so small, that I was bad for having this need, that I was too much. Why couldn’t I just be happy with what I had?
I reached a breaking point where I could no longer deny this need. I worked with a coach to grow the courage to name my needs again, but this time, I was ready to accept that if he chose not to recognize my needs, then this was not the relationship I wanted to be in anymore. I deserve to be happy, and he deserves to be with someone that would be happy just doing things at home.
One evening after dinner, we sat in the living room flipping through movies on Netflix. I gathered the courage to say that it was important to me to do things together outside of the home. I proposed figuring out things that we would enjoy, together. My heart was racing and my armpits sweated like a waterfall. My voice was shaky, yet I was grounded in remembering why I was naming this.
He responded, “It’s too hard to come up with anything we would enjoy together because the things you like to do, I don’t want to do. So it’s impossible.”
This was information for me. Could I be happy with this for the rest of our marriage knowing that what I desired would be impossible? I imagined how my life would be for the next 10 years and my whole body viscerally responded, NO! I made the courageous decision to leave the relationship.
Ever since, I have slowly come back home to myself and re-bloomed my sense of worthiness, my boundaries, my trust with myself and with others. I have been through chapters of re-blooming, each time shedding parts and allowing new parts of me to grow and thrive.
Today, I’m able to know and feel that I matter.
I’m able to validate my needs and know they are allowed to take up space alongside people's needs AND explore ways where our needs can co-exist in a collaborative way.
I’m able to use my voice to speak my needs AND receive in a way that works for me, which means being okay with teaching people how to meet me where I’m at.
I know what my boundaries are (limits, capacity, what’s okay and not okay) and I communicate them. When crossed, I speak up and uphold my boundaries in a compassionate yet accountable way. This has cultivated deeper intimacy in my relationships because people are learning what is okay with Phuong Thao and what’s not okay.
Today, I’m in love and in a healthy, romantic relationship where I can sense my needs, desires, preferences and communicate them with my partner and receive in a way that works for me. AND it feels sooooo good to receive! In this relationship, I’m able to experience what it’s like to have shared life experiences together traveling, eating yummy foods, doing new things, sharing what brings us joy and inspires joy in one another. Having this experience showed me it’s possible AND I will never go back to denying myself.
As I grow and evolve, I notice that my needs and boundaries also grow and evolve. I am able to notice this happens for other people, too, and to make space for changes and check-ins..
As I continue to grow and evolve personally, so has my work. What has been the most potent for transformation and long-lasting change is the combination of receiving 1:1 somatic support AND doing the work in community so I’m excited to share my latest 4-month group program, ReBloom Your Worthiness & Boundaries for 7 Asian Women. If you desire community and 1:1 support on your post traumatic growth journey, I would love to invite you to apply.
Applications close on 4/22 and we begin the week of 4/25!
Extended 10-month payment plans at $400/month and a few partial scholarships at $300/month and $250/month. First come, first serve!
Calls take place on Zoom and schedule will be determined by group’s availability. To get a sense of me and my facilitation style, click here to watch my recent workshop "Easing into No with Your Voice" (group shares were edited out for confidentiality)
2-hour live group coaching calls 3x a month with the 4th week off for rest
1.5-hour live practice sessions 2x a month to embody what we are learning
(4) 1:1 sessions with me
Over 8 guided embodiment practices to support your nervous system through change
8 modules of video lessons
Lifetime access to the modules and recordings
*COSMOS EXCLUSIVE* For being a Cosmos community member, you get $200 off the program or a bonus 1:1 somatic session with me. Your choice :)
Creative CAAre: Sustaining Your Mental Health & Artistic Practice
THIS WEDNESDAY April 13 | 6-8 PM | FREE
Creative CAAre will feature a guided relaxation practice that will help you slow down to care for your mind, body, and spirit. In this virtual healing space, we will lay down, separately but together from the comforts of home, for a soothing journey that will support your mental health.
Through gentle breathwork, visualization, and meditation, we'll utilize rest as a portal to imagination and creativity as we explore what the concept of "home" means to us as Asian American artists, cultural workers, and immigrants of the diaspora. This trauma-informed practice is accessible to folks of all abilities and levels of experience. Come as you are. Bring your blankets, pillows, fuzzy socks, and pets too! Join us for our first ~free~ virtual session this Wednesday from 6-8 PM. All Asian folks are welcome, so help us spread the word!
Community Reading Series No. 3 at Yu and Me Books in Chinatown, Manhattan
April 20 | 6:30 PM | Tickets by Donation
The Community Reading Series for Asian Women Writers is a monthly series for Asian women writers in New York City to share their work and meet and support one another, hosted in partnership with Yu and Me Books in Chinatown, Manhattan.
Tickets are by donation ($5-$10), and all proceeds will go to supporting The Care Fund, a creative aid fund that distributes micro-funds to support Asian women in telling their stories. If you're interested in reading at our next event on May 19, please sign up here!
As a subscriber, you’re first in line to grab your ticket. They go quickly!! :)
Cosmos Book Club x AAWW: A Tiny Upward Shove w/ Melissa Chadburn
April 20 | 7 PM ET | VIRTUAL
Cosmos Book Club and Asian American Writers’ Workshop are partnering to host a celebration of acclaimed writer and activist Melissa Chadburn’s debut novel, A Tiny Upward Shove!
In this highly anticipated debut, Melissa charts the heartbreaking journeys of two of society’s castoffs as they make their way to each other and their roles as criminal and victim. What does it mean to be on the brink? When are those moments that change not only our lives but our very selves? And how, in this impossible world, full of cruelty and negligence, can we rouse ourselves toward mercy?