Issue 051 (from the archive) | What if I can’t show up? What if I can?
Dear Cosmos Community,
Last week I confessed to my therapist that I am scared of speaking in front of Asian people. I get so nervous and anxious that I think about cancelling my own event, hours before it starts. I lie in fetal position on the couch, hugging my bright orange pillow to my chest. I ask past Karen what_was_she_thinking.
My therapist nodded knowingly in the Zoom screen, her eyes widening. She asked me to write a list of all the feelings that come up for me:
1. I am scared I'll feel judged
2. I'm not enough, not Asian enough, not "expert" enough
3. I don't even like Zoom???????
4. I am bad at reading the chat while screen-sharing while presenting while keeping my nerves together
5. I am grieving for black lives and violence against Asian folks
6. I am going to say something wrong
7. I am uncomfortable with the power dynamic of being the "facilitator"
8. What if no one responds to my questions?????? Are my questions weird???
9. I feel all my Asian identity questions in Asian spaces and sometimes that's too much
Making this list was the first time I was honest with myself about how I show up in the spaces I create, and why sometimes, I just can't.
I want to be honest with you, too, because I understand if you can't, too. I understand if you you sign up but you don't end up coming. I understand if you do show up, and you smile for our group screenshot, but inside, you're feeling a lot.
I wish I could tell you all these things, even if you're just an email address or a face in a Zoom box. I wish I could see you, look you in the eyes, and tell you, I understand.
The best I can do for now is write this letter to you.
I want to give a special thanks to the Asian women who attended our Give Good Care Stop AAPI Hate Task Force last week and the What Matters to Asian Women Training on Sunday. I was scared before both of these events, and you were kind, accepting, and caring. You give me hope for the ways our community can come together. You make me believe that we can support each other during this time, without judgement. I have not seen this before, in my lifetime. But now I can believe in it.
Karen
Co-Founder of The Cosmos
What Matters to Asian Women Training | March 14
Culture Corner
watching
Director Chloe Zhao made history today as the first woman of color ever Oscar- nominated for Best Director for her film Nomadland. I am not huge on award shows, but I AM FEELING VERY MUCH LIKE I NEED A POSTER OF HER IN MY ROOM. I loved the quiet, reaching feeling of Nomadland, juxtaposed with the intimacy of the protagonist's nomadic life in her tiny van. The film says so much about the intangible American dream, the moving force of grief, and the power of community, even with people you see only once or twice.
reading
A Place for Us, by Fatima Farheen Mirza
It took me over a month to finish Fatima Farheen Mirza's debut novel -- that's the time I needed to absorb her rich prose, devastatingly human characters, and layered themes about place, home, and family. I loved that Fatima wrote from the perspective of the children, and also, the immigrant parents. So often I wish I understood how my mother and father see our family, and this novel approaches the differences in perspective without judgement, only nuance.
listening to
Avril Lavigne, Under My Skin
I've been craving comfort with a dose of rage and loneliness. You know, 2020 feels!! Confession: I thought this album was made for me as a teenager. Like Avril was singing juts to me through my boom box speakers. Avril was falling in love, standing up for herself against unwanted male attention, and feeling different from everyone. I am not a teen anymore, but I still feel like this is life!